My story is one about second chances. 

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On this day, a year ago, I fell back into the madness of addiction. I had managed to stay clean and sober for almost four months. But during this time I had been miserable and afraid. I didn't want to be an alcoholic; I wanted to be so much more. So, I made the decision and welcomed madness back into my life. All I wanted then was to be normal. 

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When I write madness there is no better way to describe it. Before I had gradually fallen into a state of darkness, pain and despair. Something that had used to be fun, something that used to be my identity was now killing me. I had ended up so sick, isolated and scared. It had gotten to the point where even my legs had stopped working, my body was breaking down. All I did at the end was sit and drink. Alone. I didn't shower, brush my teeth or even leave the house. 

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Why would I welcome all this back? Because I didn't know any better, I didn't know how to live my life without booze in my system. Back then I had finally gotten desperate enough to get to the point of asking for help. And I was one of the lucky ones to receive it. For one month I lived at Castle Craig rehabilitation hospital. I could eventually walk again, I was getting my health back, I was sober! Naively I thought that this was enough. Everything would be great now. What I didn't realize was that being healthy and sober hadn't really changed anything in my life. I had listened to the lectures, classes and workshops provided at rehab and thought them all lovely ideas. But I was going to do it my way, because I knew myself best.  

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Turns out that I didn't know what was best. Turns out that I had no idea what recovery was. So, I welcomed the madness back into my life. I didn't know what else to do. I just couldn't keep feeling the way I was. And this time, surely, I could control it. Wow was I wrong. The addiction hit me fast and hard. This time it was different. I was angry, violent and so very sad. Constantly thinking that the only way to stop this feeling was by ending my life. I don't remember much of the two months leading back to rehab. I remember being in the back of an ambulance, hysterical after trying to end my life. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with a bunch of pills and screaming. I was in mental agony. 

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This time I didn't take my opportunity at Castle Craig lightly. I decided on staying for three months and dove deep into the program of recovery. Something wonderful started happening; I was transforming. The more I learned about recovery and myself the more I travelled on my journey to becoming my authentic self and experiencing an inner peace that I didn't even know existed. That place saved my life. 

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It is now ten months later, and I honestly do not recognize myself or my life. Looking back to a year ago I would have never believed that I would live the life I have now. Yes, I am an alcoholic; but an alcoholic with worth, I have purpose and joy, and I am free. I do not belong to alcohol anymore; I belong to myself. Not for a second do I regret my past for without it I would not be who I am today, and this is priceless. Never ever give up hope.